© Chad Clark 15-4-00

1) Arrive at the empty restaurant and choose a nice table

2) Get moved to a small wobbly one between the kitchen and the toilets due to possible impending rush of    customers more important than yourself.

3) Attract waiters attention

4) Attract waiters attention again

5) Ask for a menu (usually greeted with a look of surprised astonishment – you come to a restaurant and      want to see what?)

6) Whilst you have him at your table, order a drink. This is the first tip. Always order something whenever    you have a waiter because that way he may come back!

7) Before he returns, no rush, decipher the menu and prepare your order.

8) Waiter returns with warm beer. Place order NOW!

9) Waiter returns with paper and pen.

10) Waiter returns with pen that works.

11) Second tip. Don’t try to order with words, pointing is safer.

12) At this moment it’s advisable to order another drink. It doesn’t matter if you haven’t finished the first one   because it’ll be a while before it comes anyway.

13) Having admired the décor, appreciated the musical wallpaper and run out of smalltalk, check with the    waiter where your meal is.

14) Order your meal again.

15) Stay cool

16) After a suitable delay, make sure that your waiter is in fact still on the premises and hasn’t put your order   in his pocket and gone off to play football.

17) Worth checking wasn’t it.

18) Order your meal again

19) No, skip the meal and have a cappuccino

20) On second thoughts, get a takeaway.

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