The world’s gone mad. Tsunamis, earthquakes, icebergs the size of a small country breaking off the Arctic, the UK winning a gold at the winter Olympics ! Where will it end ? It’s widely touted that global warming is to blame, and I blame that on foul. The amount of gas produced by only one serving of foul equates to the emissions from a Range Rover travelling 50 miles uphill on full choke or the bottom burps of 8.4 cows in mid-summer. However, it’s all a question of balance. Were we to ban foul, Range Rovers and cows, we could easily descend into the 3^rd Ice Age where only those with hairy chests or central heating would survive – and let’s hope that Angelina Jolie has central heating. Imagine the future of the human race. Hairy vegetarian women mating with bankers on bicycles. Sounds like a return to 70’s Greenham Common and it really doesn’t bear thinking about. The world would soon be populated only by hirsute lesbians and men in padded lycra shorts with offshore Hedge Funds. Central heating engineers would rise to the top of the evolutionary ladder and Darwin would turn in his grave.

In order to survive we need to take action – and soon. We can’t carry on like this. We don’t know where it will end. We shan’t have a future and the human race simply won’t survive. To this end I have formed a new political party to lead us forward into a glorious future, the Can’t Don’t Shan’t Won’t Party, or CDSW for short. To avoid unnecessary interruptions and ensure we stay focused on matters that count, cabinet members must be Lichtenstein Nationals and all our meetings are held on an Outer Mongolian mountain top. First we will ban foul to decrease the amount of greenhouse gasses produced by the Arabian continent. Next, we’ll ban the Argies, so that we can extract the oil needed for the central heating and get back the vast swathes of spume covered Antarctic they have colonised. Step 3, we’ll send all the hairdressers and middle management on a one way trip to Mars to cut back on the amount of hot air produced and we’ll also ban re-breathers purely because I don’t like them. Hey Presto ! We have balance, peace and harmony. We can still drive our Range Rovers by converting them to run on the methane produced by cows. Women won’t evolve with hairy chests and we can put all the bankers on the floating icebergs, thus making them truly offshore. Yes, Nirvana is in sight. If you value your grandchildren’s’ future, Angelina Jolie, Range Rovers and a world free of bankers, then vote for me !